Dear Rosey,
In my last dream about Ebony Woods, I mentioned two other dreams I had that were relevant to understanding and relating to what was going on in my waking life. One was a dream about walking on broken glass, which accompanied the Dark Forest dreams, and the other was the Reverse dream. Although I had the Broken Glass dreams first, I feel the Reverse Dream will help me better explain the Broken Glass dreams if I tell you about it now.
In my first Behind Closed Eyes Substack entry, I mentioned that the presence of your father’s mother in my dreams signifies his upbringing and core values. The same goes for my mother’s presence in my dreams. It is about my upbringing and core values—the parts of my character and behaviours that have been nurtured in me.
Rosey, your Granny and I have always had a strong mother-daughter relationship and friendship. We seldom fought and saw eye to eye on most big issues, even when it came to my brother, your Uncle Quinton. He was always a controversial subject, as I was jealous of my brother. However, I have had many dreams where I would have this irrational anger towards my mother. I couldn’t understand why in my waking life, as I didn’t feel this way. Just remember that my mother is an extension of me in my dreams. I was angry with myself.
The boat dream
One example of an irrational anger dream is the Boat dream. Most of my other dreams were very similar; however, this one resonates with me the most, and my memory of it is the clearest.
In the dream, my mother and I took a boat to a small village on a river.
Water:
Water represents our emotions. Although it is a general association of emotions, I also feel it aligns with my relationship to water. My frequent dreams of drowning, holding my breath until I can’t, then discovering that I can breathe, correlate to times where I am emotionally drowning in my waking life. Especially when I was young, being overwhelmed with sadness, heartache, and despair felt fatal. I struggled and fought against the emotions until I couldn’t, and then I surrendered. I discovered that I could breathe through the emotions. Rosey, that is why I tell you when you are hurting, that focusing on your breathing is a natural painkiller. Breathe through the pain, and that also includes the emotional pain.
The other extreme of water is dying of thirst. Instead of drowning in too many emotions, this is dying from spiritual thirst. It is not just spiritual, but also philosophical. For example, the glass can be perceived as half full or half empty. The quantity and quality are the same, only the mindset is different. Spiritual fulfilment can be an empty glass with a sceptical and practical mind, or it can allow oneself to believe in something beyond the five senses that fills an empty glass.
Boats, ships and other water vessels
Boats signify travel, usually aboard, like an aeroplane, but air is the mind and knowledge, and water is the heart and emotions. Some good clichés relate to my symbol, which is boats. “Hope floats; Don’t rock the boat; That ship has sailed.” A boat denotes reason, knowledge, education, forethought, wisdom, common sense and opportunism. The frontal cortex. This keeps us above the dark depths of our emotions whilst carrying us across them to many destinations and milestones in our lifetime.
Village
“It takes a village to bring up a child.” It is the idiom that comes to my mind.
A general meaning of a village is Community, teamwork and extended family. People working and living together.
The small village that was my destination is my hope and dream for the future, although at the time, I could not admit that to myself. A village is a place of belonging where there is a sense of community, an extended family and friends pulling together to make the best of life, sharing and working together for growth and safety. That was my dream, an unrealised wish.
Now, back to the boat dream. Before my mother and I boarded the ship, I told her I wanted to put my luggage in the storage area in the boat hull first because it was more watertight, farther from the hatch opening, and I didn’t want my luggage to get wet. (emotional damage)
Luggage
“Extra baggage” typically refers to children from a previous marriage or relationship. However, it is about carrying the burden of experience and hardships. All your failures, wrong choices, wrong turns, disappointments, guilt, and regrets stem from your upbringing and the values you were taught. All the life lessons you learnt that you carry with you as you travel through existence.
Emotional baggage is similar, but more often related to ex-partners, lost dreams and failures, or family dramas and feuds.
In my dream, I was detained for some reason, and my mother, with her luggage, boarded the boat before me. When I eventually got on the boat, my mother had already placed her luggage in the hull, where I wanted to put mine. This is where I became unreasonably angry. I cursed and spat at my mother. Shouted at her from a dizzy height. “How dare you. You are a horrible person!!! You didn’t listen to what I told you, or you did this to upset me!!!” I grabbed her luggage, chucking it at her. The luggage split open. My mum did not defend herself. She just kept on apologising, which just enraged me more. Because of my outburst, the boat's captain refused to take me to the village on his boat. Again, I vehemently blamed my mother for this.
Remember, my mother represents me in the dream. I initially thought that my dreams made me aware that I was angry with my mother. For many reasons, but the main one was the fact that my mother and father had a bad marriage, and she would tell me about how bad a husband my dad was. She really had no nice words to say about him. I knew I was unhappy with my mother, and I had my disappointments in life; however, the Reverse Dream gave me an epiphany that helped me decipher my angry dreams about my mother, which in turn helped me understand the Broken Glass dreams. Once I realised that my mother represents me and my origins, I knew I was angry at myself and very disappointed and unsatisfied with the situation I came from. Like a frosty February morning, a cold but very clear realisation dawned on me that my anger and bitterness had stopped me from going to my village, which is where you and your father are. Self-loathing can be a form of self-sabotage, especially when that self-hatred remains unacknowledged. The split luggage denoted self-sabotage. I was destroying my autonomy, independence and a chance to make my way in life.
The Reverse Dream
This dream I had when you were two years old. At the time, motherhood was extremely overwhelming, and I felt I was failing you at every turn. The self-loathing started to bubble up to the surface again and was making me feel ostracised from my village, aka family.
In the dream, I told my mother about two dreams I had. The dreams were like dreams I had inside the dream. *This springs to mind Edgar Allan Poe’s poem – A Dream Within A Dream. One of my favourites from Poe. As I shared my dreams with my mother, I had flashbacks, similar to those in sitcoms when a character thinks about a past scene. The scene would play out for the audience to watch rather than have the person tell the memory of the scene. However, I was dreaming about the dream I was telling my mother, and where I was sitting with my mother in the dream changed into the dream I was telling her about.
Being aware I am dreaming is different from when I am dreaming a dream in a dream. The former is lucid dreaming, a state or stage of sleep. The latter is a dream scene, similar to dreaming that you are falling or experiencing a slow-motion dream. Dreaming about dreaming denotes exactly what dreams are: something that is not real or has not happened, but can be relevant, well, especially in my case. A dream is like Schrodinger’s cat, it exists and doesn’t exist at the same time. Waking up is like opening the box.
The first “dream within a dream” was of me, a naked baby, in my mother’s arms. We were in my grandparents’ house. (Remember, my mother represents my origins and upbringing. Rooms in a house represent the many rooms of my Persona. The outward mask I display to others. The fact that it is my grandparents’ house indicates the deep origins of who I am. (This pertains to my ability to put myself in others’ shoes) A trait that is natural and self-nurtured.
The house was filling up with water; however, the water also had a current as if it were a flowing river. (Water denotes emotions. The current means the moving turmoil of the emotions inside the house of my core values.)
She was in the lounge, and the water reached up to my mother’s knees, an inch away from the settee’s sitting surface, which was near my mum. From the living room (Which is the Persona mask that I wear for my close friends and family) you can see the kitchen (my Persona that keeps all the nourishment for my mind, body and soul. E.g. education, exercise and religion) The back door in the kitchen was wide open. My mother placed me down on the settee whilst the rushing water was rising fast. My mother treaded water as fast as she could to the open back door in the kitchen.
Doors
Doors represent portals from one room to another. The door is there so we can enter or leave the room. Doors can be locked, keeping something out or something in. I have had many dreams about doors. One I have named Keys to More Doors, and another was a dream about a secret room that had no doors or windows, but I knew it was there. The different rooms in a house represent the various parts of my personality. Doors are a system that allows me to enter or leave those parts. Sometimes I get locked out or locked in a certain room of my personality, nature and traits. For example, I get locked out of my home (me) and left out in the cold, depression and loneliness. And, I get locked in my anxiety. It's a very tight room. Doors signify my ability to enter and exit thoughts, emotions, and beliefs. An idiom: one door closes, and another will open. If I close one thought, feeling, or belief, another will open.
Once I was placed on the settee, I felt cold, vulnerable and abandoned. Although I was a baby in the dream, my thought processing abilities were those of an adult. My actions, on the other hand, were not. I reached out after my mother had done so in desperation. In my head, I was screaming, “Don’t leave me here, mummy!!!”
I came too close to the edge of the seat, and I fell into the rushing water. I was swept up in the fast current and whipped past my mother, who was standing at the door, holding the handle. In a blink of an eye I was sucked out of the door and into the garden. The door slammed behind me. I looked back, somehow bobbing above the water safely and swimming with ease, I was thinking my mother had closed the door on me to save herself. The pain of disappointment and rejection was overwhelming, and now I had to face this outside world on my own.
In the dream, I phased back to where I was sitting with my mother, telling her about the dream.
My mother spoke immediately, “You know I would never do that to you in real life.”
I replied, “I know that, but in real life, that is sometimes how I have felt: abandoned and rejected.”
I then went on to tell my mother about the second dream. Before the dream phased again into the next scene, I heard myself say, “In this dream, the tables have turned!”
I was now standing knee deep in cold rushing water in my grandparents’ house, holding you in my arms. You were a naked baby just like I was in the previous “dream within a dream”.
Baby
Dreaming of a baby or being a baby symbolises innocence, fertility, abundance, a new beginning, life, and growth. It also gives a sign that you either need to take responsibility for a dependency or someone must take responsibility for your dependency. Someone needs your care and protection, or you need theirs. I came to believe that the presence of a baby in my dreams is an indication of my reptilian brain, which is linked with instinct, intuition, and impulse. I know I am facing something innate and beyond my nurtured intelligence and upbringing. Primal Intuition, I like to call it. A cry of a baby evokes this primal intuition in mothers to know without knowing how to care for their child.
Naked
Having little or no clothes in dreams represents our vulnerabilities. Clothing denotes our career, e.g. doctor, fireman, lawyer. Or, our style, e.g., nerd or gangster. Or, class, rich, poor or age. Clothing can also serve as a disguise, providing cover and concealment. Not having clothes brings us all on the same level of vulnerability and exposes our hidden truth. However, in dreams being naked can represent any vulnerabilities, not just in career, style, class, age or exposure. You can be vulnerable to the elements, sexual violence, or ridicule and embarrassment. The fact that you were a baby and naked evoked an instinct to protect you with my life. That Primal intuition of a mother
Back to the dream. I had this overwhelming fear and panic inside me as I looked at the rising water. I then looked at the open back door to the outside in the kitchen and immediately knew I needed to close the door to prevent the water from rising. As I held you close, feeling your tiny warmth in my arms, the most painful dread filled my heart. I knew there was going to be resistance against that door when I tried to close it. I wasn’t going to manage to close the door with my baby in my arms. I saw the sofa that was nearest to me, and it was substantially above water level. I had a notion that I could lay my baby down on the couch with a cushion as a barrier to stop her from falling into the rising water. I could then quickly wade to the kitchen door, close it with all my might, and safely return to my baby. However, the moment I turned away from you after placing you on the couch I felt that I made a terrible mistake. I felt this cold rush of panic and urgency. I didn’t look back, I pushed forward through the knee-deep water. I wanted to get this done as quickly as possible. Once I got to the door, I gave it a strong shove. It didn’t budge from where it stood wide open. It felt like a rock. I knew immediately that I was not going to close this door, and I had to get back to my baby, quickly! As I peered out the corner of my eye, I saw you fall into the water, and in the blink of an eye, you were swept away by a strong current that sporadically accelerated. All before I could release the door handle and make my way back to you. The door was yanked swiftly from my grasp. It slam shut with rapid force after you were sucked out of the door in a blurry instant. A thousand and one emotions and thoughts bombarded my sanity. I shouted out your name in a heart-wrenching and bloody, curdling scream. Icy panic seized my heart, and a million ccs of adrenaline were injected into my heart. I first dementedly pulled at the door to open it. It remained just as stubborn as when it was open. I then grabbed my grandmother’s cream hob kettle. I used it to smash the window nearest the door. Before I could violently throw it at the window, I woke up.
The kettle
The kettle is an age-old kitchen appliance. The kitchen represents the part of me that seeks and prepares nourishment for my body, mind, and soul. In my Declawing Danger dream, I told you about my father entering a kitchen in the corner. He went in there and turned on the kettle. Now that I'm telling you this dream, I see a relevance to the kettle. A hot beverage is mainly for rest, comfort, and to sit down with others for a polite conversation. In the Declawing Danger dream, my father was trying to comfort me and ease my distress. To be fair, it is what I was seeking from him. In this dream, I was using the kettle to get to you. To have you back in my arms, where you're safe and secure. This would ease and rest my mind from all the thoughts of the terrible things that could happen to you out there.
Dream Meaning:
For a while now, I have seen this Reverse dream as an example of my personality trait that allows me to put myself in other people’s shoes. However, this dream is primarily about letting go and allowing your child to grow. It is also presenting both sides of letting go and growing up. How, as a child, the mother's choices in helping you grow up can make you feel abandoned, unwanted and alone. And, then it shows heart-wrenching decisions that a mother has to make, unsure whether it is the right choice for their child. In the first part of the dream, I was swept away out of my core family foundation to fend for myself. Looking back at the house, I was not drowning. I stayed afloat, and I seemed fine. However, I didn’t feel okay. In the last part of the dream, when you were swept away from your core family foundation, I desperately wanted you back and realised what a mistake I had made. However, like me, you probably were fine outside in the garden, like I was. In my waking life, my mother made mistakes in my upbringing, and I know I will make mistakes with your upbringing.
First, this dream helped me to forgive my mother for all her failures as a mother; it is also helping me to forgive myself for the failures I think I am making in my motherhood. The only worry I have is whether you will forgive me, Rosey, for all the disappointments I've put you through? But most of all, what I wish for you is to know how to forgive yourself when you disappoint yourself. Self-loathing is the cruellest of all fates. It is a fate I know far too well.
*Dream Within a Dream.
Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow —
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.
I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand —
How few! Yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep — while I weep!
O God! Can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! Can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?*